Couldn't think of a good name for all that's running through my mind. Warning-this post may be a little long, and possibly a little confusing.
Russell has always loved to watch "American Idol". I have not. Tonight, as he was watching it and I was writing in my journal, I got to thinking about why. I'm a singer, shouldn't I enjoy that show?
Everyone has "something", you know? Like maybe you're super crafty, or maybe you're really funny, or smart, or you're really athletic. Maybe you love to run, or cook, or mountain bike. Maybe you're a photographer or maybe it's more simple. Maybe you truly have the gift of charity, or love, or faith.
I had my voice. Please don't think I'm talking myself up, or I'm conceited, or anything. Please, please don't think that. But I do want to be honest, and really try to explain why I think I am the way I am.
I was singing (all out) in the car with the kids the other day, and Caden said "Mom, if you were on American Idol do you think you would win?" I didn't know how to answer him. How would it sound for me to say "maybe"? Crazy, that's how. But...
I'm sitting here trying to decide just how honest I can be here. I have to be completely honest, or what's the point, right?
My answer, though it's not what I said to Caden, is "maybe". Ten years ago, "maybe". I think I had the potential to accomplish a lot more than I ever did.
One time I went to audition for "Les Miserables" and chickened out. My dad took me. I even missed school that day to go to the audition.
I see these people on "American Idol" who have no fear, and it's really frustrating for me, I think.
I think that's why I don't like to watch it. Too many "what ifs".
After I thought about that (remember I was writing in my journal) my thoughts moved on. Back at the beginning of this post, I talked about how everybody has something. Well, I had something. Fear took it away, though, and I think it has left an empty space. A place in my self that thinks "What do I have now? What's my something?"
Over the last three years I have really struggled to find a new "something". I'm still looking. I can think of lots of "somethings" I would like to be mine, but haven't found a new one yet.
Now, I'm not looking for compliments here, so please don't feel like I need them. (Smiley face) I'm fine, really.
But I believe that this challenge (losing "my voice") has left me facing the fact that too much of my self-worth was in that "thing". It's gone, so where does that leave me? I now have to find my sense of worth somewhere else.
That's where my focus for this year will lead me. To a renewed sense of value, not because I'm a great singer, but because I am.