Thursday, August 28, 2008

Secret Fantasy

I'm still learning to get personal in my blog. I admit, there will always be things I don't share, but I think that's how it should be. However, today I'm sharing.

We are "done" having kids. Done, meaning, done. Really. Done. However, I have a deep longing for more. One more, in particular. I. just. don't. FEEL. done.

Some days it's OK. Sometimes I'll even go for a couple of weeks and not think much about it. Then something will happen and all the emotions come back. Usually once "it hits", it stays for at least a week or so. I'm learning to live with it, I guess. Those are the big "episodes". I shouldn't say that I don't think much about it for a couple of weeks, though, because I think about it at least once every day, it just doesn't always stick with me. The every day thoughts are, like, if I see a pregnant girl I'll think "Oh, I wish that I were pregnant again" and then the thought will pass and I'll be fine. The big ones, though, linger. It gets me down. I cry. I pray. I wonder what on earth my problem is.

I have five healthy, wonderful, perfect children. Honestly sometimes I have a hard time keeping up with the ones I have, so why would I want more? I don't know. I don't know.

I'll be OK, you know. I've decided to not pray so much to get over it. That just doesn't seem to change anything. I know that sometimes Heavenly Father allows us to struggle and that struggling helps us to grow. Am I any taller? Probably. I've pretty much accepted that I'll deal with this most of forever, and that's OK. I should try to focus more energy on the ones I've got. I'm so thankful for them. They are my reason for being, although I don't always show them like I should.
Aren't they precious?

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